Top 5s

Top 5: Manchester United performers this season so far – February 8th 2013

What has been most impressive about Sir Alex Ferguson in the twilight of his career, has been his ability to mould winning teams out of seemingly unimpressive individual parts. Since the break-up of the treble-winning side, Manchester United have been a mix of squad players, ageing stars, and one or two outstanding individuals. Winning Championships with that kind of composition is a hard task, yet Ferguson has continued to do it – and he’s about to do it again…

Here are Manchester United’s top-performers so far this season:

Patrice Evra

From nowhere, Evra has suddenly become a goal-threat – specifically at set-pieces. The knives have been out for the Frenchman for a while, and the need to replace him was a raging topic last season and the year before. Maybe there’s still some defensive frailty there, but in the 24 Premier League games he’s taken part in this year, Evra has scored 4 times and provided 5 assists. To contextualise that, he hasn’t managed more than a single goal in any of his previous seven seasons at Old Trafford. Maybe this the new trend in how to disguise defensive shortcomings: make a more noticeable output in the opposition’s box.

Rafael

Take the aberration at the Madjeski Stadium out of the Brazilian’s season, and he’s put together a very impressive campaign. The worry with South American full-backs, as the stereotype goes, is that they will inevitably be more concerned with going forward than the responsibilities they have in their own third. Rafael is not the finished article, but his defensive discipline is showing definite signs of maturation – that he makes more successful tackles per game than any other Manchester United player is a good indicator of that (3.3). His performance in both games against Liverpool, and his subduing of Gareth Bale at White Hart Lane have been real highlights for him personally.

Wayne Rooney

He’s in decline, is he? There are certain sections of the media who enjoy nothing more than seeing Wayne Rooney’s form dip, and taking advantage of the opportunity to write derogatory articles about how he isn’t fulfilling his promise or how he’s not worth a place in the England team. There’s nothing personal in that, because it is of course a great British habit to tear down a false reputation the we ourselves created, but still – it’s pretty relentless with Rooney. Robin van Persie’s arrival at the club may have threatened his ‘main man’ identity, but look beyond the Dutchman’s goals and you’ll see that Rooney has actually leads the side in assists. If he’d contributed nothing else this season then that would still be sufficient, but he’s also scored important goals at crucial times – two at The Etihad and the game-winner at Craven Cottage last Saturday night being the most pertinent examples. Van Persie may well have stolen some of his thunder, but this is still an extremely good player.

Michael Carrick

Another much-maligned player, and someone who it had grown increasingly fashionable to dislike. Carrick’s lack of recognition stems from his ability to be relatively invisible during games, and not contributing in a way that is immediately obvious within highlights packages. To appreciate him, you actually have to watch him live – and that’s not something many modern fans do. While the pyrotechnics are going off in the penalty-boxes, Carrick is controlling the game’s rhythm in between them and providing a continuous passing option for any teammate who wonders into trouble while in possession. Manchester United are top of the Premier League table and are coasting to the Championship, it’s not a coincidence that both Patrice Evra and Carrick have played more games than any other player and that both of them appear on this list. Carrick has been excellent, and if you disagree…slap yourself.

Robin van Persie

Obvious, but why deny it?

It’s rare that a newly-transferred player provides all the pluses for which he was bought, but van Persie has done exactly that. When Manchester United decided to bring him to the club, it was presumably because they saw a multi-dimensional forward who could both lead a line and drop deep, and be equally dangerous in both situations. Yes, he’s scored a lot of goals, but that’s only part of the story here. Van Persie, in many ways, is almost an exact replica of Rooney – they play the game with a different style, but they do a lot of the same things. Both can drift-wide, both can drop-deep, both can push-up; the possibilities with these two are endless, and as such they’re incredibly difficult to defend against. The Dutchman thoroughly deserves his place at the top of this list, but don’t be fooled into thinking that this Manchester United side is just about him – he was a great transfer, not just for the ability he brought with him up the M1, but because he meshes so well with what was already at the club.

Top 5: Most irritating refereeing habits – December 2nd 2012

5. No obstruction at the byline

We’ve all seen this: the ball is dribbling out of play, and a covering defender ushers it over the goal-line. Only he doesn’t ‘usher’ anything, he grapples and grabs the attending forward to ensure that the opponent can’t prevent the goal-kick. Excuse the cliche, but in any other part of the pitch this would be an infringement – apparently not within this 5-yard Hamsterdam where anything goes.

4. Half-time only during open play

What’s this about? There are 47 minutes on the clock, and the ball goes out of play. It’s half-time and everybody knows it – fans are heading to the concessions, the managers are walking down the touchline. But the referee will wait until the ball is thrown or kicked back into play before whistling for the break.

3. Disappearing stoppage time

If a stoppage occurs actually inside injury time, the time wasted has a nasty habit of not being reassessed. Equally, if a referee books a goalkeeper for time-wasting – which involves running forty yards, getting out the card, and then writing down the player’s name and offence – it’s amazing how many times this isn’t added to the injury time period.

2. One last attack

The clock has ticked over the allotted injury-time allowance, but no full-time whistle is forthcoming. Why? Referees seem to operate with a ‘you’ve started so you might as well finish’ mentality to injury-time, and nearly always allow the game to continue if the team in possession is on the attack. This has been around for so long, that if a referee ever does blow-up when a side is going forward, he’s met with howls of derision from the stands. Deeply irritating, because the location of the ball is irrelevant – time’s up, blow the whistle.

1. Even it up

If, as an official, you make a mistake during the course of the game, award a penalty, or feel the need to send a man off, then so be it. Common-sense should dictate that you would still referee the game in the same way – apparently not. This is particularly true when an away side profits from a decision – and next time it happens, take note of how many free-kicks and marginal calls go in favour of the ‘wronged’ team.

“Oh, I’ve given a penalty, I better even it up a little bit.”

No, no, no, that’s just amateur – if you’re refereeing a game on Hackney Marshes, and a bruising centre-half has all of his extended, and genetically-identical, family on the side lines then fine – but not at the professional level. Referee what you see, not what you think you should be seeing.

Top 5: Worst aspects of international football – October 12th 2012

5. The press-conferences

“So Wayne, how important is it to pick-up the three points on Friday.”

“Oh no, not at all – it’s all about the performance and giving ourselves a huge deficit to make up.”

England press-conferences are always the same – the same faces asking the same questions to the same bored, irritated players doing their best ‘humble’ impression. Valueless, the press desperately seek a soundbite, the players have been briefed extensively in the art of not giving them one.

4. The refereeing

International football is incredibly soft. If you spend most weekends watching the cut and thrust of the Premier League, and then it’s taken away and replaced by an contact-less imitation, it’s going to seem rather dull. A player falls over: free-kick. Two players contest a high-ball: free-kick. Player makes any kind of attempt to win the ball when not on his feet: free-kick. Spectacle-killing

3. The Media

During an international break, the media go into full-on silly season. There’s no organic content available, as nothing’s really happening – hence the spike in increasingly benign articles. Instead, expect a cocktail of ludicrously speculative transfer stories and mischief making, as demonstrated so perfectly by Neil Ashton this week.

2. The Coverage

England’s international games at Wembley are always carried on ITV now, which means a lesser product than we’re all used to. Adrian Chiles will do his ‘matey, everyman’ act, Gareth Southgate will tell us all things that we already knew, and Roy Keane will sit in the corner, brooding with a sense of dorment menace. And…that’s all wrapped up in the hyperbole of the Bittersweet Symphony bumpers and Clive Tyldelsey’s commentary.

1. Saturday & Sunday

You wake up on Saturday morning, and you bound out of bed – only tomorrow, there’s no reason whatsoever to do that. FIFA’s decision to move international games to Friday nights has rendered the rest of the football weekend null and void, it’s a wasteland. Instead of Football Focus, Soccer Saturday, and Goals On Sunday, you get…nothing. Repeats of the home nations raging against their inevitable failure to qualify for the World Cup will only take you so far.

Top 5: Best signings of the season so far – October 9th 2012

It’s another international break, and you know what that means – pretty much no content, and all of us pretending to be interested in what England do against a pub side on Friday night. Great.

Anyway, now is as good at time as any to do this – a premature signing of the season list.

5. Arouna Kone

Looks very much like Demolition Man-era Wesley Snipes, but don’t let that fool you. Kone is a livewire, and a real danger to any defender left in isolation against him. Whether or not he scores a lot of goals in the Premier League will depend as much on his teammates as it will his own performances, but he certainly makes Roberto Martinez’s side better.

4. Mousa Dembele

What a footballer. Not just a midfielder, but a really technically-strong footballer. Tottenham’s decision to meet the £15m release clause in the Belgian’s contract was interesting, primarily because it was baffling that they seemed to get a free run at the player without any competition. Extraordinary, and already repaying the fee with pertinent contributions at home to Norwich, away to Manchester United, and last Sunday against Aston Villa.

3. Eden Hazard

For that amount of money, he absolutely should be good – and he is. He’s not quite what the Chelsea fans are making him into, but he’s still an extremely gifted player – and he makes that side awesomely potent. Blessed with a boatload of technique and an eye for a defence-splitting pass, how Manchester City and Manchester United must wish he’d made a different decision.

2. Michu

Swansea may have fallen into a slump recently, but the fact remains – £2m for the Spaniard was an incredible bit of business from Michael Laudrup. Good in the air, neat and tidy on the ball, and in possession of a really predatory quality in the opposition box. Great player, and fantasy football gold.

1. Santi Cazorla

Seven games in, and he looks absolutely the genius we expected him to be. It’s slightly irritating the media insist on referring to him as a ‘great find’ by Arsene Wenger, given that he was a prominent member of the Spanish national squad at the time of his transfer, but still – move on. Obviously he’s brilliant with the ball at his feet, but he’s also a goal threat on either foot from anywhere within thirty-yards – oh, and he’s a set piece expert. Not bad for under £20m.

Top 5: Players we overrate because they’re English – October 6th 2012

5. Darren Bent

“Oh, but he’ll always score goals.”

Er…no, he wont – in fact, Bent has only scored 20 Premier League goals for Aston Villa in three years. He’s a modern day Andy Cole, just with a less impressive goal-to-chance ratio. He is, silly as it sounds, a very poor finisher – if he gets three chances in a game, you can put your house on him not walking away with the matchball. Gone, also, are the days when it was acceptable for forwards just to score goals or to operate as a poacher – the contemporary striker needs to effect the play as much as be served by it. If Villa don’t play well, then Bent is almost always completely redundant – a shrug of the shoulders and an abdication of responsibility. Herein lies the reason why he’s never been given a proper opportunity at a top Premier League club – he’s someone who’s only capable of scoring goals for poor sides. He’s Andy Johnson or Grant Holt – that’s his level.

4. Tom Cleverley

If he didn’t play for Manchester United nobody would care, we’d just see him for what he is: a talented young player who will have a good future in the game. Talk to Manchester United fans, and a he’s prime era Paul Scholes/Michel Platini hybrid. Relax, putting the anointing old away, and give him the opportunity to turn into the player which he’s already heralded as being. Good footballer yes, reincarnation of Zico…no.

3. John Terry

Lionheart, fearless leader, warrior…Terry is a throwback to old fashioned English centre-halves who loved the contest more than the actual game. Does he have merits? Of course he does, you don’t captain Chelsea for as long as he does – but does he have pronounced flaws in his game? Absolutely – no pace to speak of and nearly always exposed against the top-tier players in the world. Compare him to Gerard Pique, Giorgio Chiellini, Mats Hummels… does he belong in that category? No way.

2. Theo Walcott

A myth propagated by one night in Zagreb. An athlete rather than a football player, with the decision-making ability of a learner driver. No longer seems assured of his place at Arsenal, yet miraculously walks into the England squad – which kind of proves the point: Walcott’s selection is a case study into what could happen, rather than what is likely to. Having Walcott in a team is akin to owning a high-performance sports car but being unable to work the garage door. Great in theory, valueless in practice.

1. Jack Rodwell

Was there ever a more glorious example of why we shouldn’t listen to the press’ assessment of English players than on Wednesday night. Manchester City were forced into replacing Javi Garcia after half-an-hour with Rodwell, and from that point on, the Dortmund midfield had their wicked way with City. The problem with the former Everton player, is that nobody seems to be able to look beyond his tangible attributes – essentially just his physique and his nationality. The future of the English midfield? Really? He has rarely made a significant, game-winning impact on a Premier League game, so what chance if he was to step up a level. Yes, he’s only 21, but if he was as good as we all pretend he is, then that wouldn’t be an obstacle – plenty of top-class midfielders show production at that age or younger.

Top 5: Over-covered stories of the season so far – October 2nd 2012

5. Hugo Lloris

The sum total of this story is ‘new player doesn’t get immediately installed into his new team’, but how the press have milked it and refused to let it die. Technically, this should fall under the umbrella of Andre Villas-Boas baiting, but it’s been so relentlessly dull that it deserves its own entry. Forgotten, in amongst all the wilful misinterpretation, is Brad Friedel’s outstanding form for Tottenham this season, which always had far more to do with Lloris’ omission than anything else.

4. Arsenal’s defence

Something something Steve Bould, something something ‘see his influence’, something something ‘new found solidarity’. Premature. Clean sheets kept in the first three games of the season? Three. Clean sheets kept in the next five games? None. Do you see what I’m getting at?

3. Rio Ferdinand & England

So many elements of this are tedious, least of all its continuous repetition in the media. Gary Neville did a very good job in clearing this up on Monday Night Football last night – Rio Ferdinand has made single digit appearances for England since the last World Cup, so his absence from the current squad is hardly a new phenomenon. A trending topic, involving a player from a popular club, and sub-header of the John Terry/Anton Ferdinand story. The perfect storm.

2. Andre Villas-Boas

The press hate Villas-Boas, and what a good time they had making sure we knew it. He’s not Harry Redknapp, he doesn’t go for pints, and he won’t feed them a transfer story – mix in his upbringing, his intelligence, and his occasional fondness for slapping down an uppity hack in a press conference, and you can understand why there might be a problem. Following Tottenham’s win at Old Trafford, the hate campaign is on forced hiatus – but the moment Spurs drop more points it will come roaring back. Something to look forward to.

1. John Terry and his untenable situation

It’s just not fair is it? You admit to using a wholly inappropriate and clearly offensive comment to black opponent, and The FA insist on punishing you. John Terry just cannot catch a break. No matter what he does – sell-off hospitality privileges, have an affair with the mother of a teammates child – there’s always someone ready to clamp down on him. Whichever member of Terry’s advisory team decided that going down the self-pity road was the right path to tread made a serious miscalculation of the player’s status. What was he expecting – online petitions and a mass boycott of England games?

Top 5: Under-performing players – September 13th 2012

5. Anderson

Billed, after his arrival from Porto, as some kind of Gilberto Silva/Ronaldinho hybrid – a tag which, to be fair, no player would ever really benefit from having. Regardless, all he’s really amounted to at Old Trafford is a slightly better, but fatter, Kleberson…albeit without the alarmingly young girlfriend.

4. Carlton Cole

Someone with his attributes should be a dominant force in the Premier League, he has every tool needed to succeed in English football. Yet, instead of developing into a defence-scaring powerhouse, his progression flatlined. An interesting exercise with Cole is to YouTube his career highlights, and then watch him live for 90 minutes over any given Saturday. Why the disparity?

3. Gabriel Agbonlahor

You could contest that he’s only really on this list because he’s made of glass – but he’s still a shadow of what he could be. Villa’s lightning quick forward is a study into why pace isn’t adequate compensation for a poor first-touch and an underdeveloped footballing brain. Should, in this league, terrorise opponents on a weekly basis, but doesn’t – and probably never will. At the root of the problem seems to be his contentment at just existing at Villa and playing for his home-town club – admirable, but clearly of detriment to his career.

2. Tom Huddlestone

The vision and passing range of Glenn Hoddle, the physique of a darts player. Dear Tom, why is that you have continual ankle issues – could it maybe be due to the excessive pressure your weight exerts on that joint? Incapable of going through a pre-season without putting on two stone, and subsequently lacks the mobility to make anything like what he should do out of his talent. Still refuses to learn how to tackle, too – which is a bit of a stumbling block for a deep-lying midfielder.

1. Theo Walcott

Like a more extreme example of Gabriel Agbonlahor. It’s got to the point with Walcott now, where you’re tempted to think that he’s uncoachable – not in an feisty Mario Balotelli-style way, but just through his own lack of intelligence. Games and seasons go by, yet he never seems to actually get any better – it’s always the same story; the physical tools put him in pertinent situations, and the mental ones restrict him from taking advantage of them. Take his hat-trick against Croatia out of his CV, and his career looks very thin indeed.

Top 5: Best signings of the transfer window – September 1st 2012

Yesterday was probably as wild a day as we’ve had in the transfer window. it certainly ran the final day in 2008 close.

Anyway, looking back on the period as a whole, what deals stand out?

5. Dimitar Berbatov – Manchester United to Fulham

Inspired from Martin Jol. The paltry £4m fee represents the Berbatov’s worth to a Manchester United quad stuffed with attacking options, rather than his potential value to Fulham. A classy performer who is now playing for a manager who trusts him, in a team that can operate around him. Perfect world for the Bulgarian.

4. Michu – Rayo Vallecano to Swansea

Three goals in two Premier League appearances makes an early mockery of the £2m Michael Laudrup spent to bring him to Wales. He wouldn’t be the first Iberian native to burn brightly while the pitches are hard and then fading away as Winter sets in, but that’s all hypothetical – at the moment, Swansea have got a steal.

3. Shinji Kagawa – Borussia Dortmund to Manchester United

As soon as this was completed, the tedious masses dismissed the transfer as a marketing exercise, as a platform on which United could extend their brand in Asia. Now that you’ve seen him play, you might want to revise that opinion – or if you’re a member of the mainstream press, pretend you never had it. Wonderfully accomplished on the ball, and a creative brain to match anything else in the league. Considering the other fees that were being thrown around this Summer, getting Kagawa for under £15m looks incredibly economic.

2. Nuri Sahin – Real Madrid to Liverpool (Loan)

Brilliant player, brilliant bit of business. Because Sahin has never played in England, most people seem to have no idea how good the Turk really is. This is not just a Real Madrid substitute, this is the ex-Bundesliga player of the year, and the driving force behind Dortmund’s march to title in 2010/11. He will make Liverpool a better team, and to do that without having to pay an exorbitant transfer fee is brilliant business. Merseyside is in a flap about the lack of striking options at Anfield, but really there are still plenty of reasons to be positive – principally Sahin.

1. Pablo Hernandez – Valencia to Swansea

Are you kidding me? Michael Laudrup sells Scott Sinclair to Manchester City, and brings in someone who’s twice the player to replace him, and makes a profit on the deal? Sinclair should be grateful that he’s no longer at the Liberty Stadium frankly, because he’d be sitting on the bench – and not getting paid a fortune to do so. Hernandez is a mercurial talent, and without giving him the big build-up, he’s destined to be an enormous fan favourite at Swansea. He may have stalled a bit in his last eighteen months at the Mestalla, but you don’t get capped by Spain in the attacking midfielder position unless you’re a gifted player. And that’s what Laudrup has.

Top 5: Premier League players who need a slap – July 19th 2012

5. Fernando Torres

What received more television coverage last season – Chelsea’s matches, or Fernando Torres’ pouting on their substitute’s bench. Footballers should never give interviews based around the hardship of their careers, because the public will never give one solitary toss about ‘how difficult it is not to be playing’ every week, but still to be rewarded ludicrously for it.

4. Patrice Evra

Outside of this season’s most notorious scandal, Manchester United’s left-back is almost always the protagonist in any melodrama that involves him. Since coming to England, he’s developed and mastered the art of having something to say when silence would have been a better job. Remember his ‘Playstation’ comment after Ireland were controversially eliminated at the hand(s) of Thierry Henry? Exactly.

3. Lee Cattermole

You see the bit of elastic around your upper-arm, Lee? Yeah, well that means you’re meant to be setting an example. Chest-thumping – fine. Demonstrative displays of encouragement – fine. Late tackles when on a yellow-card and calling the referee a ‘penis’ after the final whistle – not so much. A clear example of someone who will derail his career if he doesn’t grow up.

2. Luis Suarez

It’s all so very unfair isn’t it? Everything. He’s almost certainly not a racist, but he is without question one of the biggest cheats in the league. In an average 90 minutes, Suarez seems to feign agony with alarming regularity. Mock praying, screaming in the face of officials, rolling around the floor, and a growing reputation for handling the ball in both penalty boxes – his mastery of the dark arts of the game outweighs his qualities as a player. D

1. Charles N’Zogbia

If N’Zogbia produced half as many assists as he does column inches, he’d be a ballon d’or winner. There’s always a difficulty, always something that isn’t quite to his fancy – he’s the embodiment of the tediously self-obsessed modern player. There was a period of time when he was at Newcastle, where he seemed incapable of passing a journalist without telling him or her quite how much he wanted to play for Arsenal. Good for you Charlie, but they never wanted you back. He is to team spirit what John Terry is to the development of a multicultural society.

Top Five: Worst aspects of pre-season – July 8th 2012

5. The optimism

In mid-July, everything’s possible: your side might just make a ten place jump into the Champions League, that new signing won’t flounce back to South America at the first hint of Winter, and Mark Lawrenson might be kept off The Match Of The Day sofa. Is there anything more cruel than false hope?

4. The friendlies

In a Summer without an international tournament, it’s usually at this point when we’re all craving football like a smack addict who’s three days cold. But alas, the smack cometh not – half-hearted training exercises which just happen to be televised are no substitute for the real thing. But we watch them, invariably bet on them, and lose money on them. The stadia are packed with Mexican-waving children, the goalkeepers still look a little fat, and your side is stuffed with youth players who’ll be loaned-out before August ends.

3. Kit releases

Oh look, the good people at Nike have added a trace of red to the last season’s kit, tinkered with the collar design, and demanded that you pay £50 not to be laughed out of the stadium for not conforming t modernity. Brilliant. And obviously it would be amiss not to mention the annual clusterfuck of an away shirt that’s released, and always accompanied by some rhetoric about it ‘making players 10% faster’ or ’15% less likely to sexually assault a teenager in a nightclub’. Great. We’re playing in ‘vibrant mauve’ this season, are we?

2. Fantasy Football

A relative of point 5 – everything’s possible. Four defenders, all of whom take penalties or corners, three goal-scoring midfielders, two 20-goal-a-season forwards, and an obscure striker from a newly-promoted team who might just keep them up and your fantasy team in the hunt. You can’t lose, so you might as well start planning how you’re going to spend that £100,000.

That’s all fine, but by the second week of September it will become apparent that some weapon of a person, who’s entered seventy different combinations of players, will be walking off with your hundred large.

1. The Rumours

Relentless and cruel.

The press know full well that your side won’t entice that impossibly-talented Brazilian playmaker to the Midlands, but it doesn’t stop you rushing to YouTube after reading half-a-paragraph of fiction from a semi-literate tabloid writer. We’re ‘preparing a bid’ are we? Sending the Chairman to South America to close the deal? Ready to swap half the first team to bring an eighteen year-old to England?

Of course we are.

Top Five: Memorable moments of the 2011/12 season – May 27th 2012

Manchester 13 – London 3

A day that perfectly illustrated the chasm at the top of the league, and was not only a statement made at the expense of Tottenham and Arsenal, but at every other side in the division. While the North London rivals undeniably improved over the course of the season, at no point did either of them – or anybody else – ever look like infiltrating the top two positions.

Sky Sports’ ‘Grandslam Sundays’ always promise a lot, and are usually billed as being decisive in one way or another, but they’re rarely more than a spectacle – if that. This was different, a statement of intent from both halves of Manchester, and one that brushed aside the notion that any other club was going to play a part in the title race.

Luis Suarez & Patrice Evra

It’s deeply unfortunate that this features on the list, but sadly the showreel of the season wouldn’t be complete without it.

Whatever the details of the exchange between Evra and Suarez in that Anfield penalty box, the repercussions were protracted and acrimonious. The press-releases, the handshake at the return fixture, the T-shirts at Wigan – the whole affair was a never-ending nightmare exposing the dark elements of the game that we knew existed, but have chosen too frequently to ignore.

Manchester United humbled at Old Trafford

Younger fans will have hardly been able to comprehend what happened at Old Trafford on the 23rd October, because so dominant have Manchester United been in the Premier League era that defeat at home has always been shocking enough – a loss of this magnitude was unfathomable.

From Mario Balotelli’s opener, to Jonny Evans’ red card, and through to Edin Dzeko’s beautifully carved sixth – this was a game with everything, and one that nobody will ever forget. The abiding memory though, is of United’s surrender – which was as shocking as the result itself. Never under Sir Alex Ferguson, could you ever have accused them of ‘giving-up’ mid-game, but that’s exactly what happened in the Autumn. Dizzied by City’s riches, and flummoxed by their myriad attacking options; this was a potentially terrifying glimpse into United’s future.

The plight of Blackburn

A similarly bleak projection of what the future might hold.

The details surrounding Venky’s entry and presence in the English game will never be openly revealed, but the legacy left this season is damning enough. A hapless manager, protesting fans, absent owners, and the self-interest of Jerome Anderson; a frightening caveat for football fans everywhere.

This season, more than any other, will represent the moment at which the line between football and commercialism was breached. A template was created for how to run a football club as a vehicle for personal financial interests rather than for the collective good – and the game is poorer for it.

The Blackburn example is so intriguing because the devaluation of the club was seemingly so brazen; Venky’s didn’t do anything to dissuade the populist view that they deemed the fans an irrelevance, the club as a financial tool, and the Fit & Proper Persons Test a toothless waste of time.

The information will continue to drip out, and the leaked emails will keep coming, but at the back of every fans’ mind will be the hope that this never happens to their club.

The Ending

Of course.

It wasn’t just Sergio Aguero’s late winner, it was the combination of so many different elements of the last day.

QPR traveling to the Etihad Stadium? No chance of anything other than a cake-walk to the title for Roberto Mancini’s side. Well, the phrase ‘not in the script’ was made for such occasions.

Joey Barton’s red card, Rangers’ Spartan-like resistance, and the City fans’ transition from crushing despair to uninhibited joy within four short minutes. Not even a game so fond of over-stating itself could exaggerate the drama.

We’ve got used in recent years to seasons grinding to an inevitable conclusion, but this was the perfect antidote – it may never be this dramatic again, but that the potential still exists for it to be so is something to celebrate about the Premier League.
Top 5: Irritating types of football fan – May 8th 2012

5. The Super Fan

Turns up in costume, which is designed around giving his various club tattoos the maximum level of exposure. Probably has a novelty instrument with him; a bell, trumpet, bagpipes. Occasionally features in the local press for having done something ‘wacky’ with his house, probably involving the club colours, his favourite player, and his wife. Thrives on the attention, and would shrivel and die without it.

4. The Weirdo

Spends as much time at the ground on non-match days as he does for the actual fixtures. Loiters around the club shop on a Tuesday morning, hoping to be interviewed by Sky Sports News. Has no friends, and is unable to hold a conversation with anybody which doesn’t involve his team. Highlight of his life was the Auto Windscreens Shield Northern Section semi-final injury-time winner against Bury. Goes to reserve games, all pre-season friendlies, and plays Football Manager on Christmas Day.

3. The Big Game Charlie

Hasn’t been to a match in ten years, but somehow snags tickets to the home game against Manchester United. Purposely buys a retro-kit for credibility reasons – probably from HMV. Spends the game referring to players by obscure nicknames and tacking pictures on his iPhone.

2. The Die-Hard

Has nothing in his life except his football team – used to have a wife, but she left after being subjected to years of domestic violence. Wants everybody to know that he’s the most loyal fan in the crowd, and tries to make that point by having an obscure player’s nickname on the back of his replica shirt. Enjoys it immensely when nobody seems to understand the reference. Spends his spare time writing new chants.

1. The ‘abuse guy’

Everything’s shit. The players, the managers, the ground, the cut of the grass. Seems to come to the games purely to satisfy an urge to be deeply unhappy at least once a week. Occasionally turns up without a shirt on, and is nearly always an unrepentant racist.

Top 5: Worst aspects of the football media – April 25th 2012

5. Pointless Graphics

If you want tactical analysis, go to Zonal Marking and see it done properly. If, however, you just want to read match reports and features, then the chances are that you can do without unnecessary graphics in the middle of your paper.

As a timely example, The Times breaks down Fernando Torres’ goal in the Nou Camp in painful visual detail this morning – runs are tracked, other players’ positions are noted, and the flight of the ball is perfectly plotted. And there we were thinking that he picked up a long-ball and ran through on goal.

Often confusing, even more frequently unnecessary.

4. Exclusives

Or, to give them their proper title… ‘EXCLUSIVES!’

A tabloid favourite, and usually a guarantee of two things: firstly that the story you’re about to read is entirely fictional, and/or secondly, that you’ve already read it somewhere else.

A word to all tabloid journalists: taking quotes from Spanish radio stations, Twitter, or ‘sources close to the player’, does not make an exclusive. That’s just cheating.

3. Player Columns

Name a notoriously inarticulate profession. Yup, exactly.

The logic of player columns is fine, because there’s obviously public interest into gaining insight into the world of a professional footballer – unfortunately the last place you will find insight is in one of those columns.

The press is so vulturous now that anybody in the public eye has to live their life as cleanly as possible, and that clearly includes staying away from controversy. So why would anyone expect a player to say anything enlightening? If it’s interesting, it’s probably going to attract unwelcome attention and negative PR – and so this has become a studied art into how to write as much as possible without actually saying anything. A string of banal cliches connected with some prepositions.

…And of course the players themselves don’t write any of it, that’s what the intern at their management company is for.

2. Transfer Rumours

Surely this would have been worth half-an-hour of Lord Leveson’s time?

All the appetite for transfer-rumours have ever done, is given journalists a license to fabricate entire stories for the sake of some extra attention. Invented sources, fictional sightings, and tenuous theories – it’s the sports press at its worst.

Just seen Lionel Messi getting out of a helicopter in the Liberty Stadium centre-circle have you? Of course you have.

1. Agenda-driven reporting

The most noticeable difference between mainstream British and American sports reporting – the US side is driven by opinion and conjecture, the UK more by ’cause’.

On any given day, if you were to read a column by Rob Beasley, Shaun Custis, Oliver Holt or Martin Lipton, you’d be inhaling an opinion that’s been formed in adherence to club they support or the players’ who they’re most closely associated with.

Rob Beasley and Chelsea, Henry Winter and Michael Owen, Oliver Holt and Neil Warnock/Frank Lampard – a sports hack in England lives to protect both his contacts and his lucrative ghost-writing contract. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, but it’s tiresome to have to read so much that is driven by self-interest.

Top 5: Irritating aspects of modern football – 15th April 2012

5. Replica Shirts

Once upon a time when you bought a replica shirt, you could be safe in the knowledge that it would remain in date for more than a season. Now, not only does a new design turn-up every July, but clubs feel able to introduce third and fourth-change strips to commemorate their participation in different cup competitions – and charge their fans another £50 for them. All for a slightly different collar design, or marginal variation on an existing colour scheme.

4. Tribalism

The phenomenon which means that any opinion mildly-opposing a club in any way, is purely the product of a inherent bias. In the modern game, people supposedly don’t have minds, they have agendas – and all thoughts and actions are the formed by them.

Tribalism is a near relative of blind faith, which obviously causes complications if you want to write or opine about a subjective subject. Of all the things on this list, it’s my greatest wish that the average fan learnt to accept opposing opinions as more than just ‘wrong’ or ‘delusional’.

3. Ticket Prices

“Are you going to the football on Saturday?”

“Yup, I’ve sold my kidney, remortgaged the house, and my wife is working extra hours at the laundrette – so me and the kids can sit at the back of the West stand with a restricted view and share a single hot-dog between all of us”.

How financially terrifying has it got to be for a father with multiple children who all want to watch their favourite team on a regular basis? Never has buying affection been more expensive.

2. Absence of loyalty

Do you remember a time when players wanted to play for your club? How about when it took more than just a fishing rod and a £20 note to get a club hero to defect to a local rival? The joys of yesterday.

1. Diva Players

A list of things in the contemporary world that are not fair and that are understandable causes for dismay: third-world debt, famine, family bereavement, unemployment, natural disasters, and illness.

A list of things that are not understandable, and should never be moaned about by professional athletes: the difference between £60,000 and £80,000 a week, the cost of insuring a Ferrari, the ‘pressures’ of having to play for your country, the emotional strain of being subjected to ‘kiss and tell’ stories in the tabloids, the irritation of having to promote products for vast sums of money, and the physical duress of having to play football twice a week in front of thousands of fans.

Top 5: Premier League Centre-Backs – 3rd April 2012

5. Phil Jagielka

A really good example of a player who would be far more widely lauded if he played for a Champions League club – just like his central defence partner Sylvain Distin. Injuries have made his inclusion in the England this Summer a bit of a lottery, but surely deserves to be there ahead of lesser talents plying their trade at more newsworthy clubs. Gary Cahill?

A natural defender with a composure and sense of the game which is reminiscent of a pre-injury nightmare/pre-affray charge Jonathan Woodgate.

4. Younes Kaboul

One of the most improved players in the league. Compare the present day Kaboul with the version that arrived at Tottenham in 2007 – complete with nose ring and strange hair.
Ledley Kind may occupy a special place in Tottenham fans’ hearts, but it’s the Frenchman that has been their most impressive performer this year. Combines an ever-improving positional sense with the physique of a phonebox and an unexpected composure with the ball at his feet. The most important difference between now and five years ago? Decision-making. Tottenham no longer concede goals because of Kaboul’s decisions, they keep them out because of them.

3. Fabricio Coloccini

Another hugely improved player. When Coloccini first arrived in England in 2008, he seemed to adhere to the assumption that South American defenders would never be suited to Premier League life. Such were Newcastle’s deficiencies in their relegation season, it’s hard to apply any context to the Argentine’s initial partnership with Sebastien Bassong – or apportion any blame to them for the season’s outcome.

Now? A fantastic defender, and an integral part of everything his side is currently achieving. Next time Newcastle are on television, watch how many times Coloccini makes a crucial header at a defensive set-piece – because that sums up his contribution to the modern-day Newcastle; the pivotal defender. Times a tackle brilliantly, fantastic in the air, and blessed with Latin technique on the ball. David Luiz, take note – defend first.

2. Nemanja Vidic

His case for inclusion here is somewhat undermined given Man United’s improvement since his season-ending injury – but we all know how valuable the Serb is at Old Trafford.

Looks like a Rocky villain, and galvanises United’s backline more effectively than anyone since Steve Bruce. Like all the players on this list, he’s decent enough on the ball to be a three-dimensional defender rather than just a stopper, even if he does possess all the qualities associated with the latter. Earns extra points for being a goal-threat in the opposition’s box.

1. Vincent Kompany

Have you noticed how defensively average City are when Kompany doesn’t play? How about the sense of panic that seems to consume the other members of that back-5 when their captain isn’t there?

Right, exactly. The Belgian is a colossus for his club, and has all the attributes needed in a modern centre-back – discipline, athleticism, anticipation, and aerial ability, plus, owing to beginning his career as a defensive midfielder, assured on the ball.

The press may well be trying to tell us that City’s collapse is down to Mario Balotelli’s antics, but having Kompany only sparingly available during this last third of the season is the main reason they’ll probably fall short.

Top 5: Attacking Midfielders in the Premier League – March 28th 2012

5. Hatem Ben Arfa

I wrote a couple of days ago about Ben Arfa’s increasing appreciation for how to be effective in England. The balance between taking players on, and giving a pass – if Newcastle’s wonderfully talented playmaker continues to develop that understanding, he’s going to be moving up this list pretty quickly.

4. Stephane Sessegnon

Another Sunderland player who seems to have flourished since Steve Bruce left the club. One of those players that you’d pay to watch, and who’s capable of unlocking any defence either with his range of passing or his ability to take opponents on. Scores goals, creates goals, and links the midfield and attack as well as anybody in the league. Elevated on this list for his startling contribution to my fantasy team.

3. Juan Mata

He’s faded badly as the season’s progressed, but that’s perhaps excusable given that this is his first season in England and that he’s been hacked to pieces for most of the year by opponents struggling to contend with his technical ability. Plus, of course, he’s a creative player trying to spark a particularly unimaginative Chelsea side into life – it was always going to be tough.

As and when the expected rebuild occurs at Stamford Bridge, expect the Spaniard to be the centre-piece of whatever gets put together. Give him runners, give him targets, for God’s sake give him a free-role, and let him play – a truly gifted footballer.

2. Luka Modric

What’s the most frequent – and lazy – misconception about Tottenham’s Croatian playmaker? He doesn’t score enough goals, so he’s not contributing enough.
Okay, Match of the Day viewers be gone – watch him for ninety minutes. Watch his close control and his ball retention, appreciate his vision, and marvel at his ability to play the game at his own pace. If you’re someone who can’t spot the subtleties in a game, then you’ll always point to Gareth Bale as being Tottenham most potent attacking weapon – but it’s really Modric. He’s the tempo-setter, he’s the player that everything goes through, and he’s the one, after all, that puts Gareth Bale into those offensive positions.

1805 passes this season with 80% accuracy. Not bad, is it?

1. David Silva

Can you imagine playing 5-a-side against him?

Like Juan Mata, it’s not a coincidence that he’s also tailed-off as the season comes to its close – he’s an undersized player in a physical environment.

That we notice that his form is not what it was, is really just testament to how high his standards were through the first 6 months of the season. Still top of the assists charts (12), he’s the guile at Manchester City – he’s the wrong-footing pass that carves-up a defence, he’s the difference-maker when the opposition parks the bus at the Etihad.

An incredibly watchable player; you could learn a lot just by watching his first-touch for ninety-minutes and appreciating the way he sets himself up to use possession.

If Roberto Mancini’s side do win the title, he deserves as much credit as Vincent Kompany and Yaya Toure – Silva is the jagged edge to City’s blunt instrument. Inspirational.

Top 5: Goalkeepers in the Premier League – March 14th 2012

5. Michel Vorm

The outstanding signing of the season. What’s the biggest threat to a newly-promoted side’s top flight status? Goal concession. Highlighting the amount of saves that Vorm has made this season – and trying to quantify that as a points total – is unnecessary, because we’ve all seen it, this guy has been the find of the season.

At only 6ft, he’s under-sized for the position, yet his agility and reaction speed really is something to behold, and while it would be unfair to take credit away from the rest of the Swansea squad, Vorm is a big part of why they’ll still be at this level next season.

4. Wojciech Szczesny

It’s a credit to the 21-year-old that from the moment Arsene Wenger threw him into the first-team – against Manchester United at Old Trafford – nobody has again mentioned his position as being an area of Arsenal weakness.

A goalkeeper needs a special type of personality to reach the top, and Szczesny blends that DNA with a great set of physical attributes. While there are moments where his relative youth is exposed by his decision making, he’s never once shown himself to have anything other than complete confidence in his ability to play at this level and perform under the global spotlight of the Premier League.

Aside from his occasional lapses under the high-ball, this is a player with a complete skillset – a shot-stopper, quick off his line, good distribution, and a natural leader. He’s got fifteen years of his career still to go, and there’s nothing to suggest that he won’t become one of best keepers on the continent.

3. Brad Friedel

Ageless. When Spurs moved for the American in the Summer, the consensus was that they were trading Heurelho Gomes’ boom-bust goalkeeping style for something more reliable, if slightly less spectacular. The first half of that presumption has held true, but Friedel has shown himself to be fully-capable of the kind of high-wire pyrotechnics associated with players half of his age.

The critics credit Tottenham’s revival this season to Scott Parker and Emmanuel Adebayor, but the security the 40-year-old has brought to their backline is grossly under-appreciated.

2. Jose Reina

Classy, really classy. It’s unfortunate that he’s played in an era with such a talented group of Spanish keepers, because with any other nationality he would have trebled his 24 international appearances.

Great distribution from the floor and from his hands, outstanding aerially, and has a tendency to come up with big saves when in one-on-one situations. Not to mention his occasional penalty-saving heroics.

Still only 29, and approaching what should be his peak between the posts.

1. Joe Hart

Maybe a little bit of English bias here, but that’s just a product of the relief of having someone so reliable in goal for the national team.

Much like with Szczesny, he has the perfect set of mental attributes for the position – confidence bordering on arrogance, unflappable, and resilient to errors. Ideal.

Without intentionally watching out for it, it’s easy to miss the command that Hart has over his Manchester City defense. That’s the rock upon which everything is built for a goalkeeper, command of his area and the players in front of him – and Hart has that in spades.

Outstanding in every aspect of his game, and there’s nothing that suggests that he won’t get near the triple-digit cap mark for his country. To be an elite keeper for a table-topping side is completely different to performing well for an inferior club. It’s something that Peter Schmeichel used to specialise in – be a spectator for 89 minutes, save the points in one. Hart’s the same, and it’s a very special player that can do that.