Top 5: Irritating types of football fan

5. The Super Fan

Turns up in costume, which is designed around giving his various club tattoos the maximum level of exposure. Probably has a novelty instrument with him; a bell, trumpet, bagpipes. Occasionally features in the local press for having done something ‘wacky’ with his house, probably involving the club colours, his favourite player, and his wife. Thrives on the attention, and would shrivel and die without it.

4. The Weirdo

Spends as much time at the ground on non-match days as he does for the actual fixtures. Loiters around the club shop on a Tuesday morning, hoping to be interviewed by Sky Sports News. Has no friends, and is unable to hold a conversation with anybody which doesn’t involve his team. Highlight of his life was the Auto Windscreens Shield Northern Section semi-final injury-time winner against Bury. Goes to reserve games, all pre-season friendlies, and plays Football Manager on Christmas Day.

3. The Big Game Charlie

Hasn’t been to a match in ten years, but somehow snags tickets to the home game against Manchester United. Purposely buys a retro-kit for credibility reasons – probably from HMV. Spends the game referring to players by obscure nicknames and tacking pictures on his iPhone.

2. The Die-Hard

Has nothing in his life except his football team – used to have a wife, but she left after being subjected to years of domestic violence. Wants everybody to know that he’s the most loyal fan in the crowd, and tries to make that point by having an obscure player’s nickname on the back of his replica shirt. Enjoys it immensely when nobody seems to understand the reference. Spends his spare time writing new chants.

1. The ‘abuse guy’

Everything’s shit. The players, the managers, the ground, the cut of the grass. Seems to come to the games purely to satisfy an urge to be deeply unhappy at least once a week. Occasionally turns up without a shirt on, and is nearly always an unrepentant racist.

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