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Newcastle’s Cheik Tiote the subject of some foundationless rumours

How predictable was this? The second Newcastle’s unbeaten streak goes, the papers are speculating that their players are all off to greener pastures – or at least more monied pastures.

‘Chelsea plot £20m raid for Toon star’
shouts the Sunday Mirror, the star in question being Cheik Tiote.

The first thing to note is that although the entire article is about 400 words long, there’s only a single sentence that makes any reference to Chelsea – and even that is just a hackneyed phrase about Andre Villas-Boas ‘making the Ivorian a transfer priority’. Yup, of course he is.

The rest of the article is made up of lots of quotes from Alan Pardew, talking about how any side that wants one of his players is going to have to pay ‘top, top dollar’.

So in summary, there’s nothing to suggest that Chelsea are in any way interested in Tiote, and even if they were they’d have to be paying more than £20m for him.

The Pulitzer is in the post…

Terry Butcher on why ex-players don’t make good pundits

Not to kick a national treasure, but I’ve only just seen Terry Butcher’s preview of the Manchester United/Manchester City game. Apologies for the delay here, but obviously – like everybody else – I don’t read the Daily Mirror.

Some highlights…

“Manchester is certainly the place to be – this afternoon’s 160th derby is the most eagerly-awaited clash for decades – and the city’s very own Stone Roses sold out their reunion gigs for 2012 in an amazing 14 minutes.”

“I believe Roberto Mancini may replicate the sad stalemate of November 2010 when a game of football threatened to break out but never actually did.”

“With a two-point lead at the top of the table, Mancini will probably sacrifice his current attacking instincts by smothering the midfield and going for a draw.”

“Balotelli and Aguero will not start, as City won’t want to be as open as they were in the second half of the ­Community Shield, but United have the edge ­recently, having won the last four home derbies.”

“I think United’s forwards have too much class for the Blues and I hope that City’s wobbly defence does not become an Oasis in a sea of Red!”

Did you get paid for that Terry?

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Oliver Holt and the art of hypocrisy – featuring Fernando Torres

Apologies for the late reaction, but I’ve only just seen Oliver Holt’s Mirror column from Monday. For anybody else that missed it, Holt is moaning about the Manchester United fans’ reaction to Fernando Torres’ miss on Sunday.

‘But I still recoiled when I saw the picture on the back page of this paper on Monday morning.

It was a beautiful portrait of an ugly scene, a man kneeling in despair and a crowd taunting and baiting him.

Some of the supporters looked as if they were figures plucked from Goya’s Pinturas Negras.

Mouths agape, fingers pointing, hands ­gesticulating, faces contorted with dark joy at another man’s misery.’

‘Another man’s misery’? Okay, I think that’s taking it a little far but anyway. Holt’s general point is that he dislikes the schadenfraude that’s crept into the game, and compares a modern day football crowd to an X-Factor audience – that which derives more pleasure from failure than success.

Sorry, but don’t you work for a tabloid newspaper? I hate to break this to you Olly, but that ‘pointing and laughing’ mentality is what pays your salary, how many times have the tabloids gleefully exposed the downfall of a celebrity, athlete, or politician? You, the tabloids, bred that attitude and profited off it – save us the sanctimony.

‘It’s when comedians like Jason Manford get big laughs from encouraging fans to abuse players because they earn a lot of money.’

Yeah, because that’s the real enemy here, Jason Manford – not the media as a whole, who love nothing better than knocking a prominent, and well-paid, personality back down to their level.

It’s an argument without foundation, because football’s branding as ‘entertainment’ is what allows the profile of the game to be what is. Naturally, a crowd that behaves as an ‘audience’ is always going to be a by-product of that.

You can read Oliver Holt’s masterpiece here

In the Premier League’s and Manchester United’s defence…

The chances are that you saw this coming during Clive Tyldesley’s commentary, that while he figuratively wet himself over every five-yard pass by Xavi or Iniesta, that this was only a prelude to a Barcelona-themed media love-in. Barca where absolutely sensational on Saturday night, and they made Manchester United look very ordinary – their movement, their vision, even their desire for the trophy-itself was superior. However, as ever with the media, the significance of their 3-1 win has been taken to far too deep a level.

The Barcelona team that sits at the summit of club football at the moment, is not there by default. They are not simply the best side in 2011, they are a generational team and one that will be spoken of for a long time. Lionel Messi, Xavi Hernandez, and Andres Iniesta are not just the footballing elite of this decade, they have a rightful place in any ‘of all time’ list – and in Messi, they may have a player who tops that list. Once the spectacle of Saturday night wore away, it was replaced with a series of negative accusations towards Manchester United and Sir Alex Ferguson. Why was the centre of midfield so immobile? Why is there such a gap between England’s Champions and Spain’s finest? Why did Sir Alex Ferguson appear to learn nothing from his Roman humbling in 2009? The last question was posed by Paul Smith of the Mirror, and is easily the most fatuous. The Barcelona team has been built as fluid concept, with interchangeable players that can function in a variety of postions. You don’t really ever learn anything by playing against them, other than how good they are. Beyond the anchoring Sergio Busquets, the five players ahead of him improvise their movement throughout each individual phase of play – if the players doing that are of sufficient quality, then there really isn’t a tactical system that can do much to subdue them. Those who disagree will point to Jose Mourinho’s ‘sugar in the petrol tank’ comment after Inter Milan’s victory across two legs last year – but really, if you played that game another ten times Barcelona would probably win eight or nine of them – Inter may have progressed, but it was Barca’s profligacy in front of goal that caused them to lose. If you look at all the great teams and individuals of history across different sports, there’s always a period where very little can be done to stop them winning Championship after Championship; the 90s-era Chicago Bulls, the AC Milan team of the 1990s also, peak-level Roger Federer, and the last decade with Tiger Woods. Playing against them doesn’t teach you how to beat them, you wait and hope to play them when they’re slightly less than their normal level. If as a tennis player you’ve been well-beaten by Roger Federer at Wimbledon, why would that give you any advantage the second time round? It’s too simplistic to suggest that encountering something of superior quality in person, should then allow to build a blueprint to overcome it the next time you face it. You don’t just hope to play your best and win against these teams, you’re also reliant on them under-performing. Losing to one of them, which Manchester United have, shouldn’t warrant a full-scale panic.

The natural progression for the media was to move from praise of Barcelona, through criticism of Manchester United, and then finally to a direct and unfavourable comparison between The Premier League and La Liga. The logic goes now that there is a growing disparity between the two league’s, and the Spanish side’s victory is affirmation of La Liga’s premier status. Nonsense. Barcelona are not an encapsulation of Spanish football, as the 25 point gap between them and third-placed Valencia should show. Barcelona are an exceptional team that happen to being playing in Spain, look, or example, at the gulf that exists between them and Real Madrid – who were cast aside with at least the same amount of ease that United were. Furthermore, if you were to pair off English teams with their corresponding Spanish counterpoint, so Manchester City with Valencia, Arsenal with Villarreal, Sevilla with Tottenham, and LIverpool with Atletico Bilbao, i’m not sure that would endorse Spanish superiority. Yes, the very top of La Liga is currently superior, but the separation of footballing wealth in Spain is also far, far greater.

The only point that came out of the weekend’s analysis that we found ourselves agreeing with, was the belief that England will never produce a Lionel Messi. There’s a slight caveat here, because a Messi isn’t ever really produced or created – a player like that just arrives. However, the point is that in England, the youth systems in this country are obsessed with power, size and pace – technical ability is tolerated, but flair is coached out of players and replaced with more direct attributes. If, as he was rumoured to be, a four-foot tall Messi arrived at a British academy, he’d probably be cast aside for being too small and pigeon-holed as a circus player that would never make it. Sadly, the same is probably true about a Xavi, or an Iniesta, or a David Villa – and is there a better case for proving this than England’s continuous failure at major competitions. Even against inferior opposition, our inability to retain possession is evident, and our direct and overly physical approach to the game looks archaic. Without getting into the National Football Centre debate, because that’s an entirely different discussion, Gareth Southgate and Trevor Brooking have an awful lot of distance to make up.

The media tendency to take a discussion like this too far will always exist, the need for ‘left-of-centre’ opinions in the press is too great for it not to, but it’s healthier if we just admire the star power of Barcelona while it burns at its brightest.

Mirror ‘abuses the Internet’ with Ronaldo to Man City rumour

We’ve obviously mocked the Daily Mirror many times before, for many different but equally valid reasons, but we wished we’d saved all our sarcasm and facetiousness for this morning – and Neil McLeman’s special, special ‘Cristiano Ronaldo to Manchester City’ effort.

And our survey says?

You’re a poor-man’s version of The Sun.

Given that there’s no truth in this at all, and it was invented purely to get a reaction out of Manchester United fans, it’s understandable that Neil has had to scrape the barrel a little bit to find some quotes to support his article – but surely it would have been better to have invented a comment by a ‘Man City insider’ than to use wilfully misinterpret a two-week old Harry Redknapp quote?

They’re probably going to spend another £200million this summer. They tell me they’ve got one or two players signed already who’ll blow your brains out. They’re not going to stop until they win the championship, then the Champions League, and I can see them doing it.’

Really? That’s the best you could come up with. Honestly, we would have gone with the old ‘Roberto really rates Cristiano and will happily chuck an absolute barrel of oil money at him to get him to Eastlands’ – and then accredited it to a ‘source close to’ Mancini.

What’s that? Oh, are you not done yet – do you want to add another really pointless quote from Iker Casillas in? Go on then:

‘He is a decisive and influential player. Very few are capable of putting up the numbers he has. There are no more team titles that we can win this year, but we can help him win an individual award. We feel it is important for him to win an award when he is so deserving of it. He is one of the best players in the world.’

How insightful and how relevant. Now, if we can get to the bit which talks about the ‘World record bid from Manchester City’ that would be great.

Oh, I see…

Probably one of the worst things we’ve seen on the internet. A source close to Neil McLeman and The Daily Mirror had this to say:

‘Obviously the standard of journalism at our paper is embarrassingly poor, but to be honest, why let irrelevant details like ‘the facts’ get in the way of a salacious story’

Daily Mirror embarrass themselves with ‘Xavi to Man City’ rumour

‘City want Xavi to give them the X-factor’ is the horribly lazy, popular culture-embracing headline in The Mirror this morning – naturally supported by no quotes or evidence at all.

The focus point around which Barcelona’s entire team is built is supposedly now a transfer target for Manchester City. Daily Mirror reporter David Maddock gets a little bit ahead of himself by suggesting that Xavi will be moving to England, and subsequently opening the door to Cesc Fabregas to return to Camp Nou.

Couple of problems here David, Barcelona are not going to sell Xavi, and he doesn’t strike me as the Balotelli/Milner/Barry type that will literally go anywhere for a bit of cash. However, the logic seems to be that since Raul moved away from Real Madrid last Summer, it would make complete sense for Xavi to do the same. Yes – except that Raul was no longer in the first-team at Real and was 33 years old and a force very much in decline. Xavi is about to complete a season where he’s been an anchor within a World Cup winning, La Liga winning, and potentially Champions League winning team. It’s not really the same is it?

The very common Mirror habit of undermining their own journalism makes another overdue appearance too:

‘City are determined to kick on after clinching a top four finish – which will see them enter the Champions League for the first time next season – and they want to be recognised as among the elite of the game. The desire is to sign marquee players to spearhead that challenge, but there will be no dramatic transfer market sprees, as in previous transfer windows, as a new realism is coming to Eastlands.’

So, if there are to be no ‘dramatic transfer market sprees’, then that probably rules out an ambitious move for Xavi Hernandez then doesn’t it?

That’s some good work David, really strong performance – or as someone in your comments section has appropriately added: ‘week after week, a torrent of bulls**t.’

Quite.

Man City should be untroubled by ‘Mancini to Juventus’ rumour

Really strange one this, and probably not any due reason for Manchester City fans to be worried.

The Daily Mirror, that beacon of prose and truth, is reporting that Roberto Mancini has been slyly meeting with various members of the Juventus hierarchy with a view to replacing Luigi Del Neri in the summer. Given City’s hectic schedule recently, it’s hard to see how Mancini would have had time to have had held ‘talks with Juventus director and old Lazio team-mate Pavel Nedved, assistant sporting director Fabio Paratici and super agent Mino Raiola..’

Actually the part about Mino Raiola we believe, because he would undoubtedly have one of his fat little fingers stuffed inside the crust of any pie that contains enough money, but everything else seems a little fanciful. Given what we all know about the lack of sentiment in the City boardroom, it seems unlikely that cavorting with an enemy club would result in anything but the swift termination of Mancini’s contract.

…and really, why would he?

You’re odds on to achieve an FA Cup-winning and Champions League-qualifying double – for which you would surely be rewarded with a transfer budget the size of the national deficit – so why would you walk away now? More so, why would you go to a club like Juventus – yes, Mancini is a ‘lifelong fan’ of the Old Lady – but so what, the club is still dwelling in the murky aftermath of the Calciopoli scandal, and Serie A is a mess of impoverished clubs and disintegrating stadia.

All of that considered, it doesn’t stop hilariously-named hack Neil McLeman speculating that:

‘The Manchester City manager is now planning further talks with the Italian giants before the FA Cup Final.’

Yeah Neil, because nobody would notice that would they?

Daily Mirror lies brutally exposed on Chelsea TV

Odious Mirror hack and general lie-merchant Martin Lipton gets called on one of his ‘EXCLUSIVES!’ by Chelsea TV presenter Gigi Salmon.

Glorious doesn’t really cover it…

Inconvenient truth derails Mirror transfer rumour effort.

It’s obviously a lot easier to point and laugh at a misguided prediction after the event has already happened, but when the object of the ridicule is The Daily Mirror that laughter seems strangely less cruel.

Having obviously run out of left-wing content to shove into their dirty little rag, the sports desk shoehorned a ‘speculative’ story about Blackpool’s Charlie Adam being bound for Blackburn – or in their own words:

‘Blackburn Rovers boss Sam Allardyce is ready to make a bid for Blackpool’s stylish Scot Charlie Adam – but he will have to pay £3 million for him. However Allardyce is still on his trail, armed with cash from the new Indian owners. And the Rovers chief may test the water with an offer shortly, although Ian Holloway’s club will be hard to budge.’

Ignoring the pre-schoolboy error of beginning a sentence with ‘and’, we’ll say that that’s probably not going to happen.

If you were to continue, you would also come across this next sentence towards the end of this otherwise stunning bit of journalism:

‘The Rivers (sic) chief wants a play-maker, a speedy winger and a striker as he tries to build on the remarkable start to the campaign his side has had despite their previous financial hardship.’

What is all that about? Rivers? Remarkable? Financial hardship? Probably best not to allow the sub-editors too much control…

‘Winter World Cup’ speculation from the Mirror

Given that it’s from the Daily Mirror, it’s obviously nonsense, but rumour has it that FIFA is considering shifting World Cup 2022 from June to January to alleviate the fear surrounding the high temperatures in Qatar over the summer months.

Given the worldwide scorn that has already greeted the decision to grant the World Cup to a country with no footballing history, this is probably just an attempt to stoke the fires of FIFA-hatred – more likely from their failure to find any evidence to back this claim up, and relying on the old gem of a ‘FIFA Insider’:

‘We have always held our tournaments in the summer months before but we must think about what is best for the players.’

It’s quite sweet and endearing how they’ve actually written the quote in the style of a generic FIFA drone – it actually sounds like something that Sepp Blatter might say.

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