An honest press-conference…

So, a player has just left one club for another and is about to be unveiled. The press are ready, the pointless water glasses are laid out and ready not to be used, and Sky Sports News have ‘crossed over live’…

Hack #1: So Joe, are you happy to be a United player?

Player: [mumbling] Yeah delighted happy 100%

Hack #1: …and what was the most attractive part of the offer?

Player: Probably the money.

Hack #2: But Joe, didn’t you say a week ago that you’d only leave City to further your international career?

Player: [looking down] Nah, that was my agent saying that.

Hack #3: Apparently you’ve refused to play for City in the last couple of weeks

Player: That was a misunderstanding, I was ready to play.

Hack #3: Well, the TV pictures clearly show you telling the manager to ‘fuck off’ when he asked you to warm-up against Newcastle.

Player: Yeah, my head wasn’t right, I’d been offered a lot more money by another club, and the manager said I couldn’t leave. It was like being a slave. All I want to do is play football.

Hack #4: Do you have a message for any of the City fans who are said to see you go?

Player: Yeah, they can suck my balls.